Kneading and Blending Families

Families now-a-days have so many descriptions and shapes and sizes that it hard to define "family" for any one group of people.

I used to be very rigid and hard-core fundamentalist about "family".  The only "good" family was a married mom and dad, with kids.  Every other family must have screwed up somehow and their families were just wrong. They were failures.

Seeing as most learning moments spring from failure, I learned my lesson when my marriage fell apart and I became one of those failures that I used to rant about.  I was a failure. A screw up. Me.

Awesome.

However, as time went on, I learned at God's knee that family is whatever family becomes for you.  Families come in many shapes and sizes, and are not defined by DNA, but by relationships and caring for each other.

So, having learned that, I think my kids, their mom, and I have had a fairly good "family", as families go, since she and I broke up.  (Sounds weird, right?)

Yes, we failed at the marriage thing, and I freely admit the kids went through a hard time with that.  But I think, after a time, we succeeded pretty good at the "family" thing.  This came about because we all finally agreed, my x-wife and I, and even the newcomers to the "family", that we all cared for each other and were important to each other, so therefore we should stick together and create good things instead of bad. Family peace and happiness was much preferable to family strife, and after all, there's not that much in life that's so important to go to war over all the time.

(To be clear, we never had any one conversation about such things, but after some trial and error and time spent together, an understanding just evolved amongst us all.  Uncertainty and anger became peace and acceptance.)

Now, having met Alene, she and I are beginning the process of building a life together, and integrating families.  My x-wife and her fiance have already done the family integration thing with the girls. Now it's my turn to do it with Alene and her family.

Big deep breath.

Thanksgiving was a big test, which I think was passed.  At least I think we did; others may have their opinions, but since this is my journal, you get my opinion.

I had to work Thanksgiving night, so here was the first challenge.  Normally, I would get together with the girls and their mom and step-dad at their mom's house for dinner.  This year I had to work Thanksgiving night, so I was unable to go to dinner with the girls.  Also, this being the first Thanksgiving with Alene, I wanted to spend time with her her and her family as well.

What to do, what to do.

Hey, how about two Thanksgivings?

So, we made a compromise, which worked out pretty well.  The girls went to their mom's on Thanksgiving day, and had a big meal up in the mountains.  Alene and I, along with Liz and Alene's dad, went to "grandma's" down in Lodi, to have a meal at her assisted-living home.  We visited for a bit, then I headed off to work.

Friday, Alene and Liz got up at 3:30am or so to do the Black Friday shopping thing.  I slept till they got  home, after which we started the process of cooking for Thanksgiving Friday.  The girls all came over to our place in the afternoon, and we had Thanksgiving Day Part II.  Alene's daughter Liz, Trevor, Alene's dad, and a few assorted good friends joined in the celebration.  We had about 12 or 13 people all total.  Cooking went on from morning till afternoon, and friends hung around until late, laughing and talking.

As a first effort, I think it went well.  There were, of course, the inevitable rough patches, and we'll tweak those as we go, but I think those will also smooth over as time goes on and families get to know and accept each other.  Alene and I couldn't have been happier, and I was overjoyed to have all the kids together for the meal.

I've never been fond of the saying "blood is thicker than water".  Shared DNA means little to me, if that DNA is shared with crappy people.  I don't have time or energy anymore for crappy people, be they blood related or not.

There truly is no "right" family shape. Family, good family, is the shape of love, whatever shape that is.  I think its different for everyone.  But I do know this: family is about caring for each other, and being kind and uplifting to each other.  Family supports each other, is polite and selfless and looks out for each other.  Family is defined by the relationships between each other, and the bonds we make with each other, as we go through life.

That was a hard lesson learned for me. I'm glad God took the time to teach me.

Relighting New/Old Traditions

This blogging thing is kinda hard to "regrove", if you know what I mean.  I started the blog back in 2004, I think, when I separated from my x-wife.  I think it was mainly because I had so much time on my hands, and was kinda lonely, and it seemed like a way to communicate with people and share my thoughts.  I was surprised that anyone would take the time to read my thoughts, but blogging became a real outlet to share my life with friends I found on the internet.

Its also become an invaluable journal.  A lot has happened in the 5 or so years since I began blogging.  I went back a couple of weeks ago and read some of the older entries, and to be perfectly honest, I didn't remember doing the things I wrote about until I reread the blogs. Talk about weird.  It was like reading about someone else's life, which was cool in a way because it was all new to me again, but also weird because it was about ME and I didn't recall it that clearly..... it was just.... weird.

Long about May 2007 I just lost interest in blogging.  My writing flow had dried up, and I really don't know why.  I think it was because I was just too lonely and bored with life to come up with anything I thought was interesting to write about.  I mean, I'm not that interesting, ya know?  I tried to restart the blog thing in September 2008 with a short lived new journal, when I began an ill fated experiment and moved to Pollock Pines, CA to be closer to my kids and their mom.  Good intentions all around from the start, just really poor execution and planning (the move, not the blog, although the blog suffered too... anyway...).  The blog was supposed to be about my adventures as a city kid living in the mountains.  I can summarize that experience in one word: don't.

That blog stops on December 22, 2008, and there's a pretty good reason for that.  Along about that time my lady love Alene and I began to get serious about each other.  She and I had been friends at church for over 3 years, often going out to dinner or some events together, but not dating! It was just friends going out and doing things together.  The week prior to my last blog entry on the Pollock Pines journal, Alene and I had held hands for the first time (well, for the first time with meaning behind it) after going to see the Christmas lights on Dove Court, in Orangevale.  After walking the street in the freezing cold, we got back in the car, and she said her hands were cold, so I put my hand around hers, and uh, just didn't let go.  And she didn't mind.  In fact, I got the distinct and direct feeling she welcomed it.  And the Christmas season just got better from there..... 

So, that journal stopped right after that.  My free time (with which I would have blogged) suddenly seemed to be occupied, which was good! And, let's face it, blogging about dating and getting to know a woman, especially in the early stages of really dating and courting, is probably not smart.  Later, as the relationship develops, and it becomes clear what subjects are OK to write about, and what is verboten, it gets a little easier to write about life.  The editing process is a little simpler.

And that's sort of where I am now.  Alene and I have settled into a nice life routine, and we've gotten to know each other very well.  I think I know where my editorial limits are, and I will of course be careful not to cross them.  But on the other hand, there's a lot of things going on in my life, and I am again feeling the urge to write about them.

Having gone back and read those early blogs, about taking my dad out to lunch, or going someplace with my girls, or camping trips and whatnot, brought back wonderful memories.  I want to be able to look back 5 years from now, and have those same feelings about this wonderful, warm, and charming time in my life.  Alene has brought a joy into my life that had been missing for some time, and I like to think I've done the same for her.  I'd like these journals to be something both of us, and you (if you want to come along for the ride) can enjoy for a long time.

To that end, we're going to the Old Fair Oaks Christmas tree lighting later tonight.  It's a 1st Anniversary of sorts.  Last year Alene and I went to the lighting together because her daughter, Elizabeth, was off at college and Alene had no one else to go with.  This year, we're going together because, well, we want to be together. We want to share it and reflect on this year that has past, and in which SO much has happened.

It's a 1st Anniversary of a new tradition, shall we say.

Here's to a lot more of those.  And a lot more of this blogging....writing stuff... thing.... whatever you want to call it.

Oooooooo and she's making chili for dinner!!!! Yum!