Monday, June 27, 2005

Catching Up Some

Every once in a while I go through phases where I just don't feel like blogging. I get lazy, and post e-mails and other space fillers, but nothing of substance, or anything that takes work to write about. Obviously, I've been recently going through just such a phase. So, I decided to change just a few things about the look of the blog and take out that silly Flooble Chatterbox. Content is still the same, just think of it as a shower and a shave for my blog.

I just got back from a drive up Highway 49, through Grass Valley and Nevada City, up to Scotts Flat reservoir, where I tried my hand at fishing for a few minutes. I didn't catch anything, which is no great surprise. But it was a lovely lake, a delightful drive, and a beautiful day. I think I may go back in a few weeks and do a night or two of camping. They rent boats for very reasonable rates, which I think would be a blast.

I guess I'm just kinda bored, again. I go through these phases now and again. Work is mundane but not unpleasant. Home life is mundane, and routine, but again, not unpleasant. I have a great time with my kids, and the x-wife and I are getting along very well right now. I think at times I'm a little lonely for female companionship, but I've consciously made a decision not to pursue that right now. I don't have the time or the energy to devote to a new relationship, nor do I want to take the time away from my kids. So, I guess I just have to deal with being bored at times. I know, life could be much worse!

I'm re-reading "Wild At Heart: Discovering the Secrets of a Man's Soul", and being reminded exactly why I started this journal, and why I named it Wild At Heart. It helps be define who I want to be.

I had an interesting conversation with a good friend at work the other day. We were discussing men and why they are the way they are. I brought up some of the views I've learned from reading the book and applying it to my own life. I agree with the author of "Wild At Heart" that most men are posers: insecure and unsure, at their core. They don't know if they have 'what it takes' to be a man and win the heart of the beauty they long to win, that special woman they are attracted to.

Men do all sorts of things to make themselves appear strong and capable, from looking dangerous (tattoos, piercings, clothing styles, etc), to over-compensating at work, or sports, or even sexually (porn, anyone?), in an effort to feel that strength they so desperately desire in other parts of their life. Even those who appear super-successful usually have doubts and fears, just like everyone else. That's why even the super-rich, super-successful men are often very unhappy with themselves or their relationships (Donald Trump - marriage #3? Not much success in that arena, I'd say). It's because ALL men suffer some insecurities. That's just life. But, like most things, realizing the problem and learning to do something about it is the key.

Reading "Wild At Heart" taught me some of what I already knew: I was created by God, in God's image, with the heart of a man, not a woman. Then some things were pointed out that made good sense: in the Genesis account, God made the world, and everything in it: thunderstorms, hurricanes, grizzly bears, lions, tigers, snakes, spiders, rushing rivers, roaring oceans, towing mountains, shear cliffs, sharks.... any number of spectacular things that can crush, tear, main, break, and kill a man in a moment; and yet each of these spectacular things are, at the same time, breathtaking, mesmorizing, tantalizing, and attract a man's fascination and curiosity. And God called all of it, all of creation, "good". Then God told man to go out and subdue all that! Man was designed to be a part of THAT creation.

A true man, a real man, is and ought to be just a little bit dangerous. Yes, you read that right: dangerous. Not mean. Not cruel. Not malicious. But... capable. Able (or at least willing to try hard, not be afraid) to take care of himself, those he loves, and deal with life as it comes at him. Trust me, at the heart of every man is a desire to feel that capable-ness.

Does a woman, at hear true heart, want a "nice" man who never takes risks, or someone who is "dashing", and has just that edge of danger/capableness about him? Controlled strength is almost universally attractive.

I remember looking at my dad when I was a little guy, and thinking 'my dad can fix anything.' He was capable. He was strong. He was a man. I wanted that. Every child wants that. That's what I think men should aspire to. Too many men know they want something, but have no idea what, because they never had a man in their life to learn it from.

I haven't grabbed ahold of this vision I have for myself yet, but I'm learning more each day, and trusting God to guide me. One thing I have done in the past year is, I've realized my life is the result of my choices, and I am responsible for them. I am not helpless, on a boat adrift without an anchor. I am the captain of my boat, and if I ever go adrift, it's because I pulled up my anchor and have done nothing to guide the boat. Personal responsibility has been a very new concept for me, and it's been a hard lesson.

Argh! I've rambled, but that's ok... this is what my blog is for. My ramblings.

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