Thursday, March 11, 2004

Sweet Release

I took a big step last night. I asked my pastor if there was someone at church that I could talk to, who could just listen for a bit, and let me unload some things. Mind you, whatever I said (I really can't remember exactly what my words were) came out through tears and sobs and gasps. Paster W. said, why sure, how 'bout me? He and KM and a couple of others gathered 'round me and prayed. Man, it felt great to know that people care. I didn't even say a WORD about WHAT I wanted to share, or what was on my mind. They just saw a brother in need - and they gathered. I can't say enough good stuff about that.

After play practice tonight at church, I talked to a couple of men who've been through similar situations to mine. I found my situation isn't altogether unique, and I'm not alone in going through it. Then Pastor W. and I went over to Coco's and had some dinner. There was no great emotional overload tonight, just me sharing what's on my heart. It good to have a trustworthy friend that I can trust and respect, who'll let me unload some stuff. Pastor W. is a very different man than my first impression a couple of years back. He's kind, loving, caring, and strong. Not that I didn't like him when I first met him. My impression has just changed over the last few years, as I've gotten to know him a little bit better. Anyway, I feel like 10lbs has been dropped off my back. It was good to talk to someone who sees life pretty much the same way I do, who affirmed my thoughts and opinions. I feel much better.

I thank God so much for the guidance I feel when I need it. Literally. I'd be lost if I didn't have the spiritual Rock in my life.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Thinking Better

"I've learned that I am 100% responsible for my actions. I'm 100% responsible for how I feel. And I need to do what's 100% right for my daughters."

I had posted a blog entry here that was quite visceral and angry at my kid's Mom. I now think it is the better part of wisdom not to post such dirty laundry in as public a setting as this. Not so much because I think I was wrong in doing it, or in what I said, but because I truly do want to try to live in peace with Their Mom. Posting our private disputes in public, where even our girls can see them if they find them, is not the wisest choice I can make. My youngest daughter CLJ made a comment to me about how she felt sad when mom or dad talk about each other. I apologized, and told her she's right, and I won't bring up issues I have with Their Mom again, unless the girls specifically ask me something.

So, I've decided my blog won't be my forum to gripe about my x-wife. Yes, there will be times when I will post legitimate information about stuff that goes on, and things that affect my life. But not to gripe.

I said on the previous post that "Now my prayer is that I have the wisdom to do what is right, and not let my own feelings cloud the issues."

I think deleting that post was the wise thing to do.

THIS post is a good example of why I try to take time to think about things when someone asks me an important question. I often go with my first inclination, which is not always correct, and then have to change my position later after calm reflection.

So, I'll finish with what I finished the deleted post with: "I've learned I DO have pretty good judgement. I'm satisfied that I'm on the right course. I have to thank God for that, too. Without the spiritual guidance, I'd be lost."

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Restless and Wandering

Called in sick to work today. My nose turned into a full blown snot-factory last night. Thank goodness for nose-spray and cold medicine. I took the time at home to clean the apartment. LMJ and CLJ are at their mom's for the weekend, for some needed mom time. I hope things go well. I expect LMJ back here shortly.

After about 4pm, I took a quick, and I mean quick!, drive up through Auburn, down Hwy49, to Placerville, and back home to Citrus Heights. The weather today was just stunning! Blue skies as far as the eye could see. I just could NOT let this day pass without getting outside for a few hours. I stopped a couple of places along the river, and took some photos. Found a little waterfall I'd never seen before, along Hwy49, just north of the Forresthill Rd cutoff. I nearly missed it. I pulled off into a turnout, just too see if there was a view of the American River canyon I might get some pics of, and as I was pulling out, I saw it across the road in my rear-view mirror, of all things!

As I was driving past Coloma toward Placerville, the sun was getting on toward setting, and the hillsides were just gorgeous. So bright and green! I could smell wood-burning fireplaces all along the way. I kept thinking, I have GOT to get a place up here. I could set a little shack on someone's back 40 and they'd never know I was there! I think that's where I'll retire. Someplace along Hwy49, near Cool or Pilot Hill. Just so gorgeous there.

I listen to internet radio a lot. I use Winamp to handle the feed. There's a station called The Joy FM (I get it through Live365), out of Sarasota, Florida (I think... I know it's Florida, anyway), that usually plays Christian top-40 style stuff. I came in tonight, after my drive, pulled up the station, and what's it playing? Christian Smooth Jazz! I was in Heaven!! This is the coolest stuff I've heard in ages. Nothing like some cool jazz licks to relax the shoulders, ya know?